Too much gin, very little bucket
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize