I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
