I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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