when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
