Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize