If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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