I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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