How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
