Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
