I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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