I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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