Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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