last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
