I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
