I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
