If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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