i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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