New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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