your parents love me but you hate me
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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