btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
