Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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