Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
