he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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