and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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