Your face is a jimmy john
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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