Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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