I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
