I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She's the barista slut.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
