so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
