WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
