I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are we still banned from the library?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
