I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
