Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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