I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
