you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
