I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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