I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
