On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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