i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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