i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
