Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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