don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
