feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
