I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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