you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
