It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
