i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
