so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
