It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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