I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
