do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
