I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
smell my finger.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Found your dick twin last night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
