I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love having hate sex.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
