omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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