just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
