Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
