he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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