I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So vagazzling was a success
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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