im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
